BEING A PARENT ALWAYS SEEM TO BRING OUT OUR BIGGEST INSECURITIES.
First time parents are often faced with the question, “Am I doing it right?”
“Am I nursing enough times during the day?”
“Is this the way you are supposed to give a bath?”
As kids get older it gets even harder.
“Should I let him wear his favourite T shirt every day?”
“Is it okay that he will only eat ‘bhindi’ (okra)?”
“Am I disciplining my child enough”…”Am I being too strict?”… “Am I being too lenient?”
In the back of one’s mind there was always that niggling doubt and that voice that says, “You are doing it all wrong!” At times mothers wonder… “What’s the matter with me? Why can’t I be like other mothers?”
Hang on….This is the wrong attitude!
A question like that only confuses. It presupposes that we should feel like other people. But we don’t. We’re NOT other people. We’re ourselves. You are you. We can only feel what we feel.
One mother loves to bake with her children, and another can’t stand having them hanging around in the kitchen; one loves gathering the little ones around to read aloud, another shudders at the thought of picking up a book; one mother enjoys being on the floor surrounded with colourful crayons, while another can’t draw to save her life, but can spend hours in the garden tending to plants.
We each have our strengths and our limitations.
Nobody said Parenting was easy or that there was a set formula for Ideal Parenting. However, the art of positive thinking put forth by new wave positive psychologists suggests that using one’s strengths allows for greater creativity, productivity, and excellence. Those are all ingredients of professional and career success and it is applicable to people’s personal lives as well.
We can apply this principle to our parenting. The mother who understands her unique strengths will be more comfortable and confident in her parenting abilities. Likewise, a father will be more productive and will be able to better interact with his children and parent more effectively. Parents and their children will exhibit greater happiness and well-being.
Here are 5 questions we can ask ourselves and as we explore the answers, it can help us find our strengths, our uniqueness our individual style, so that we can parent happily, productively and effectively.
- What aspect of parenting do you find energizing? What comes easy to you?
We often spend a lot of time focusing on our weaknesses. Our dress is wrong for the party, our house is not clean enough, our children aren’t polite enough and the neighbour does it all better than we ever could.
We need to stop looking at what we think we are doing wrong and concentrate our efforts in searching for our areas of competence. Those are our strengths. It is the part of parenting and nurturing that comes most naturally to us. It is the stuff that makes us feel fulfilled and whole.
Think about what you love to do with your kids. Is bath time or feeding your children their favourite foods one of your preferred activities? Do you enjoy cuddling time and curling up to read a good book? Do you love to take your kids out and about town to a new exhibit at a museum or do you like making popcorn and watching old movies with everyone on the couch? Somehow we always push ourselves to do the hard stuff, things we don’t like to do. Ironically, our strengths lie in the activities that we do effortlessly.
- When do you feel good about your parenting?
Is it the hugs and kisses from your children or teaching your children to tie their shoes and ride their bike? Do you enjoy when your child shares with you something new that they have learned, like the lifecycles of a butterfly or the states and capitals of the country? Or do you relish hands-on activities, like gardening, tinkering about with tools, arts and crafts or sewing?
How often do parents really share about their best parenting moments with friends, doctors, relatives. Strangely, the sharing is almost weighed over by the times they messed up.
Reversing this attitude helps. When a group of parents decided to tell a story of at least one time where they felt they did it all right especially if they relished that activity, they all realized, “Hey, I am not so bad after all”. Focus on the positive aspects of your parenting and you will gain an appreciation for yourself appreciation for yourself and all that you do.
- What are your five best qualities as a person and how do you use them to enhance your relationship with your children?
Here is a short list of character traits that can help: honest, cheerful, independent, artistic, wise, athletic, spiritual, fun-loving, laid back, caring, spontaneous, thoughtful, practical, flamboyant, kind-hearted, brave, logical, calm, discreet, cooperative, brave, giving, punctual, friendly, warm, tactful, adventurous.
You want to cultivate your best qualities and find ways to connect with your children using those traits that you are most proud of. Children learn by observing the adults in their living spaces.
If you are a kind-hearted, compassionate person then empathizing with your child probably comes naturally to you and you can easily find ways to relate to your child. If you are independent minded, then teaching your children the life skills to stand on their own two feet, is something you will do naturally. A flamboyant and adventurous type Mom will teach her children to enjoy life and find joy in the unexpected.
- What aspect of parenting overwhelms you?
Be honest with yourself. Get real with yourself, what your capabilities are and work with them.
Some Dads are more energetic than others. Mommies – if you have a low threshold for typical Mommy tasks, and find yourself often at your wit’s end, get help. Hire a care-giver maid or cleaning service. If that is not an option have a heart to heart talk with your spouse, or get your mother, mother-in-law or sister to pitch in.
Touchy feely parents might feel overextended because they do too much for their children. Talk to other moms (maybe older ones) or a counsellor to get tips on how to get your kids to help. Independent Moms, might hesitate in handling an overly sensitive child. Mom’s who are emotional can return the favor and teach those Moms to better deal with the world of emotions. The adventurous Mom, might have a hard time with the schedule and strictures of parenting. You might want to use your imagination to do your chores in a fun original way.
Being realistic with yourself and acknowledging your weaknesses in a soft way allows you to expend your energy on finding creative and practical solutions to manage your limitations.
- What do you do to recharge and relax?
Parents need time for themselves. It is a necessity. Mothers need to unwind and just be. The demands of family can leave one drained and cranky. Dads and working Moms need to unwind after a whole day at work.
Everyone has their own way of relaxing. Find your personal preference. Do you love going to the gym, or a spinning class, curling up with a good book, watching a serial, playing a board game or getting together with friends? You can also think about what you loved to do as a child and haven’t done in a while. If you swam – go swimming with your child; or of you played tennis – attend the tennis sessions. In other words, take note of what relaxes you and try to fit it into your schedule as much as possible.
In the end, notice how nowhere in this article have these questions been posed:
- What does your best friend do as a parent that makes you feel inadequate?
- Why aren’t you trying to copy her? OR Why can’t you be like her as apparent?
- What gives you the most guilt? What makes you feel you are a failure?
- How did your mother parent and why haven’t you done everything you could to emulate her?
You are NOT these people and you should not try to be these people. To tap into your own, unique, individual personal strengths, the questions you need to ask are the ones that force you to turn inward and take a good deep look at yourself.
Your personal strengths are the things that you are naturally good at and give you energy and vitalize you. Using them will empower and enrich you with the best parenting strategies.
To increase your joy, contentment and pleasure in your children and your families, you need to cultivate and build upon our parenting strengths. Very simply, the key to your happiness and ultimately to your children’s happiness is to find what you love about Mothering / Fathering and do more of it.
And hey! You are your child’s best parents! No one else can know your child better than you do. So Kudos to you parents – just keep Parenting Positive and make it a ‘team effort’, with mutually aligned decisions and strategies!
