Hello Parents! Greetings for June! This month’s topic is essentially about what we plan to leave for our kids. I am sure many of us must have thought about what we will be leaving behind as a LEGACY for our children. The legacy we are referring to is not about the financially measurable things – it is about the precious ‘things’ we can leave behind, for which a rupee value cannot be ascertained. The things that are truly lasting and worthwhile.

The word LEGACY appears legal enough for many people to mistake it for a will. However, a will is only a legal document which talks about the financial division of assets and wealth we leave behind. What we can leave behind as a legacy could be viewed under 2 aspects: the tangible and the intangible.

A) Among the TANGIBLE, we won’t discuss the usual humdrum stuff of inheritances like property, jewellery, wealth, commercial enterprises or other assets. As a family, we can also leave behind a lot of meaningful, tangible things that will give them a sense of identity, pride, source of entertainment, ancestry and family traditions.

Here are some ideas of what we can build into the legacy of the tangible things you may wish to leave:

Preserve family traditions

Whatever one feels, traditions give us all a sense of belonging, even if we no longer do them. Think back to some of the family traditions you saw being followed as a child, or maybe heard about from older relatives of the times before. Penning them down helps to archive them and develop them as a source of information for the future generations. You may even add some sketches, or old photos if appropriate.

Preserve Family stories

Since the Vedic times, stories have been passed on through generations, initially verbally and later in print. The same holds true for Family stories…Exciting motivating stories of generations before. Maybe someone ran away from home at a young age to become a movie star or to become a magician. Or maybe a grand uncle was a war time news reporter who got injured. Or some aunt or grand aunt was a singer in a band or a model for advertisements. It really doesn’t matter. What’s important is being able to pass on the family story with the thrill and excitement. Again pen it down.

Preserve stories, journals, diaries about yourself

Can’t forget ourselves can we? So go ahead and preserve your journals, diaries (if shareable) and memorable stories about yourself. You have front row seats to THAT information about you! Nobody knows more about you than you do. You can also record a video with a virtual tour of interesting places which are a part of your story.

Pass along Life-lasting skills

Kids these days are dependent on automation and seeking help from others. Pass on some of the life lasting skills you acquired. Even the skills you think are not important in today’s world, might offer a fun-learning and bonding experience for your children/grandchildren. You might be surprised by how much your grandchildren appreciate the gesture and the opportunity to spend extra time with you.

Preserve family recipes- yum yum!

It might be fun to gather up all of your family recipes (the good ones!), make multiple copies and put them in a binder or book for anyone to access and try out; your children or grandchildren. Like Dadima’s puran poli or Chhoti Chachi’s chhole bathure or Sister Sylvia’s Gooseberry jam. Gosh, I am salivating just thinking about them!

Family photos (who’s who)

In this day and age of digital data, many homes now hardly keep photo albums, except perhaps those of a grand wedding. Most households with seniors have a collection of family photos. In fact, you may have several old photos that your parents and grandparents had collected. The problem most of us have with old family photos is that we don’t always know who is in the picture. Don’t let this happen to your kids/grandchildren. Make a note on the back of your photos (recent and not-so-recent) as to who everyone is. If you are saving them as Digital photos, then tag them with the names.

Update that Family Tree

Many families have one solid member who painstakingly maintains a family tree going back a couple of generations. If your family doesn’t have one, start one! It will give you a chance to connect with some old and distant relatives to gather the information and understand the affinally and biologically connected relationships. You can begin by listing information on everyone you know about and how they are all connected. Once you’ve done that, move to the octogenarians in the family and then onto plenty of online resources available to help you get more information.

Here’s a wild one – Take a DNA test

DNA tests are now relatively inexpensive and readily accessible, especially in the western world. DNA tests can help identify the regions of the world where your family originated from. You might be surprised to find out that what you thought were your roots, aren’t really your roots at all!

B) Now let’s look at the INTANGIBLE stuff, the life-lessons…. the way your kids would look at the world, other people, the mind-set, values & traditions, the choices and responses and the emotional inheritances.

Almost everybody would like to leave their kids with a healthy life, confidence in their own worth, self-respect & unconditional love for themselves. So as their love for themselves grows, they’ll share it with their families, friends and the world around them.

To leave such a treasured intangible legacy, you need to Model It – eat right, eat at the correct time, eat as a family; be there for your family members for occasions, celebrations, times of grief and illness; use the right volume-tone-space and vocabulary for voicing your reply or opinion; love unconditionally, be forgiving, refrain from hate-spite-vengeance-criticism; lend a helping hand to those you know or even a stranger who you feel needs it, be a good and caring citizen.

Here’s a little more thought on the legacy of having SELF-ESTEEM., Dorothy Briggs (an American school psychologist & author), once said that “self-esteem is the mainspring that slates every child for success or failure as a human being.”

Well, the good news is that we already know what is likable about our kids and their many capabilities at the tip of our fingers.

And although we can’t control our children’s inner voices, we can contribute to developing them with positivity, motivation, self-respect, love, emotional balance and happiness (a lot).

We can help them discover what they like most about who they are and help them to see the very BEST in themselves. That would be a great legacy to leave with them – since everything else rests on the foundation of this one.

Have a great day and happy times with building your LEGACY!

Come admission season, the school gates see an increased flurry of activity. Young enthusiastic parents start lining up for the first admission form for their 2+ year olds for admission into Nursery in the forthcoming year.  As they read through the form they come to the section specifying the cut-off age and the cut-off date.

That’s when we hear this plaintive cry from many parents whose children are born in the month of May or thereafter –

“Oh no…so we have to wait for one more year? But my child will lose a year!”

As a society, we are quite comfortable with the pace at which a new born develops from birth till 2+yrs. Parents aren’t really concerned about developmental milestones occurring in sync with the parameters prescribed in parenting textbooks or as advised on the internet.  If our child turns over a month later than the same aged toddler next door, its ok; or if the neighbour’s baby utters her first few words a little late or in the case of a toddler taking his first steps as late as at 18 months… that is ok!

“Bahut chhota hai…theek hai, aa jayega” / “He is still small…it’s alright, he’ll learn soon enough.”

Parents are deliberately patient, waiting, hopeful and ‘cool’ about it all – generally letting their toddlers achieve the milestones as time, experience and development do their magic. And rightly so.  Each child is different and while there are globally accepted benchmarks for achievement of developmental milestones, even a non-medical / non-ECCE person or non-educator knows that each child develops the basic milestones at his/her own pace.

However, there IS a minimum age milestone for introducing the little ones to ‘formal schooling’ – an environment that is not home (no matter how ‘homely’  schools design their learning spaces). It is an environment that places the child away from familiar faces, people, environment, clothes, food, friends, pets, toys, rooms and so many safety assuring factors.

Even the recent NEP 2020, in paving the way for restructuring of the 10+2 system of education, has defined a new pedagogical and curricular restructuring of 5+3+3+4. That is – 5 (kindergarten to Grade 2) + 3(grades 3 to 5) + 3(grades 6 to 8) + 4(Grades 9 to 12), spanning the ages 3yrs to18yrs. This means, that when the child starts attending school from Nursery in the month of April of the admission year, the child must have completed 3 yrs by 1^st April (or at the latest,  by 30^th April). Children born in May, June, July or thereafter, must wait to join Nursery in the next academic year.

For the Children, it’s a blessing in disguise – 11 months (or thereabouts) of free play and self-discovery at home in the familiar setting with a doting caregiver (be it parent or a day care attendant or even a domestic help at home). For the Parents, it (strangely) becomes a nightmare! A cause for the concern.

Why the anxiety about the age of admission to formal schooling?

The same ‘cool’ parents, who made no attempt to  learn accelerating strategies to help the baby overcome any previous developmental delays; nor showed any signs of worry about it earlier ….. NOW, suddenly feel that keeping the child at home for another year or so will be ‘detrimental’ for their child’s growth, and that the child will “lose a year.”

When did we decide that not sending a child to school till 3+ yrs was “holding them back?”  Where did this idea come from?  When did it become ‘normal’ or “ideal” to send a child to formal structured school at 2+ years of age?

When it comes to educational outcomes, we only have to look at some of the most successful countries in the world to see that sending a child to school when they are just 2+ yrs is not ideal. In fact,  some go even further to argue that we shouldn’t be sending them to formal schooling at all, until they are closer to six or seven years of age!

One cannot accelerate certain developmental milestones – which are a combination of gross motor, fine motor, brain development, social and emotional development, self-management skills, among many other growth aspects.

Even in the most ‘well-planned’ Kindergarten schools, the curriculum is structured.  Children are not in a wholesome play-based environment, learning through self-exploration nor at their own pace.  They are in a formal education and it is fast paced, due to the fixed timings, curriculum and availability of resources and resource persons!  More importantly, the consequence of a structured curriculum is that there is less opportunity for unstructured free-play. Compared with their older peers, for the youngest school starters this could represent nearly twelve months of reduced play-time and play-based learning opportunities.

PLAY is very important in the early childhood years.  As grown-ups, we may not see the significance of this or even remember how much fun it was in our childhood years, but the value of play in the early years should not be disregarded.

Play-based learning allows the little ones to :

• learn to problem solve
• develop language skills
• build their social & independence skills
• build their emotional skills
• use their imagination and explorative contexts
• introduce and develop reading and writing ability
• introduce and develop mathematics ability
• build fine and gross motor skills

In short, Play provides time to develop, physically, emotionally, socially and intellectually – a factor that is crucial for creating the sound, happy, foundation required for formal schooling and cannot be rushed or accelerated artificially.

SO why do we feel that we need to send them to school as soon as we can?  Yes, your child might be ready and they might “cope” with it, but think of how much more ready they will be with another year of play under their belt!  Imagine how much more confident, settled and ready they will be to begin their schooling.

Maybe the rush comes from us adults?  Maybe we are so excited and proud that our children are growing up, they seem so aware of the world, and speaking so many words….that we want to send them to school as soon as they qualify. For many families, there are also availability constraints where both parents work at home OR even financial considerations, but I would encourage them to give some thought to this important stage of a child’s life.

Toddlers are only little once!  And this is such a vital time for them to learn, grow and play at their own pace.  School will still be there next year.  Even if they are ready this year, they are still going to be ready next year and, more than ever, are going to be hungry and better equipped for learning.

We need to let our kids be kids.  They are about to embark on a minimum 15-year journey of formal education, so why are we rushing it?

And here’s a signing off message – NO CHILD really loses a year when they enter schooling at the developmentally recommended age.

If you are a new parent with a school-ready child, or have recently moved to a new city on transfer, you would be quite anxious about choosing the best school option for your child.

There are many factors that influence decision-making when it comes to identifying the right school for our kids. While there are many filters that can be used to zero in on the right school for your child, we have decided to make it easier for you by listing out the 7 most important things to look out for before finalizing your choice.

1. Security:

Without a question, it is the onus of the parent to ensure that you check the school security system before enrolling your child. CCTV, security in the vans, pick up and drop off cards are some of the points that are best to be clarified at the school office before going ahead with any other questions.

2. Distance:

In growing cities across the country, it is vital to select a school that is close to your home or workplace. This has multiple advantages – you can get there soon in case of an emergency;  your child won’t waste too much time in travel; the proximity increases time spent at home for play or studies and it helps children be more independent at a younger age.

3. Class strength:

Many schools in India encourage large class strengths. We have personally come across schools that have more than 70 students per class. This not only dilutes the teacher’s attention to every student, it also reduces the child’s interest in the class. We found that schools with no more than 35-40 students per class were better performers in terms of academics.

4. Infrastructure:

While many schools in the city boast of state of the art infrastructure, it is wise to visit the school, classrooms and play area before making the decision. Just to narrow it down further, check if the school has a large play area that can cater to all kinds of sports and games. The school should have spacious classrooms with comfortable seating arrangements that would not cramp your child’s time there. The school should also have a stage, an A/V facility, subject labs, clean toilets, and most importantly a sick room in case of emergencies.

5. Extracurricular activities:

Since school is where your kid will be spending a large amount of time during the day, it is important to pick a school that has options to choose from in terms of extracurricular activities. Some of the common activities you could check for are field trips for cementing classroom learning, dance, music, arts and crafts, sports, debate and public speaking and student clubs. Most schools brag about these options, but at the time of admission, it is best to casually glance through a display of winners and achievement around the school, which will give you a sense of the school’s attitude towards encouraging extracurricular activities.

6. Consistence performance in academics and competitive events:

Knowledge of how the school has been faring in the fields of academics (Board results, academics related Olympiads and Govt. based events), as well as the performance and standing of the school in other school based activities like, inter school competitions, Distt./State / National level quizzes, sports meets, MUN, dance & music events – would give you fair idea of the schools efforts and focus on quality.  The school should be maintaining or improving upon its performance over the years.

7. Parent-Teacher Communication:

Communication between teachers and parents benefit both parties in several ways. Ensure that the school has a transparent, open, frequent system of communication with parents, through an app or vide email.

Most schools have now started employing several parent-teacher communication ideas such as PTAs, handbooks, and mobile phone communication to ensure a two-way communication between teachers and parents. Teachers learn more about the home environment of the child and the personality of the child which helps them meet the needs of the child more effectively. Parents benefit by getting more involved in the education of their children and by receiving ideas from teachers and the school on how to help and support their children.

Children also greatly benefit from regular communication between teachers and parents. They are more motivated in their work, they try to attend school more regularly, they show improved behaviour and they view homework and school in a more positive light.

Since teachers are experts in teaching and the parents know the child well, a collaboration between the two sets can most definitely result in a more holistic development of children.

BEING A PARENT ALWAYS SEEM TO BRING OUT OUR BIGGEST INSECURITIES.

First time parents are often faced with the question, “Am I doing it right?”

“Am I nursing enough times during the day?”
“Is this the way you are supposed to give a bath?”

As kids get older it gets even harder.

“Should I let him wear his favourite T shirt every day?”
“Is it okay that he will only eat ‘bhindi’ (okra)?”

“Am I disciplining my child enough”…”Am I being too strict?”… “Am I being too lenient?”

In the back of one’s mind there was always that niggling doubt and that voice that says, “You are doing it all wrong!”  At times mothers wonder… “What’s the matter with me? Why can’t I be like other mothers?”

Hang on….This is the wrong attitude!

A question like that only confuses. It presupposes that we should feel like other people. But we don’t. We’re NOT other people. We’re ourselves. You are you. We can only feel what we feel.

One mother loves to bake with her children, and another can’t stand having them hanging around in the kitchen; one loves gathering the little ones around to read aloud, another shudders at the thought of picking up a book; one mother enjoys being on the floor surrounded with colourful crayons, while another can’t draw to save her life, but can spend hours in the garden tending to plants.

We each have our strengths and our limitations.

Nobody said Parenting was easy or that there was a set formula for Ideal Parenting.  However, the art of positive thinking put forth by new wave positive psychologists suggests that using one’s strengths allows for greater creativity, productivity, and excellence. Those are all ingredients of professional and career success and it is applicable to people’s personal lives as well.

We can apply this principle to our parenting. The mother who understands her unique strengths will be more comfortable and confident in her parenting abilities. Likewise, a father will be more productive and will be able to better interact with his children and parent more effectively. Parents and their children will exhibit greater happiness and well-being.

Here are 5 questions we can ask ourselves and as we explore the answers, it can help us find our strengths, our uniqueness our individual style, so that we can parent happily, productively and effectively.

1. What aspect of parenting do you find energizing? What comes easy to you?

We often spend a lot of time focusing on our weaknesses. Our dress is wrong for the party, our house is not clean enough, our children aren’t polite enough and the neighbour does it all better than we ever could.

We need to stop looking at what we think we are doing wrong and concentrate our efforts in searching for our areas of competence. Those are our strengths. It is the part of parenting and nurturing that comes most naturally to us. It is the stuff that makes us feel fulfilled and whole.

Think about what you love to do with your kids. Is bath time or feeding your children their favourite foods one of your preferred activities? Do you enjoy cuddling time and curling up to read a good book? Do you love to take your kids out and about town to a new exhibit at a museum or do you like making popcorn and watching old movies with everyone on the couch?  Somehow we always push ourselves to do the hard stuff, things we don’t like to do. Ironically, our strengths lie in the activities that we do effortlessly.

2. When do you feel good about your parenting?

 Is it the hugs and kisses from your children or teaching your children to tie their shoes and ride their bike?  Do you enjoy when your child shares with you something new that they have learned, like the lifecycles of a butterfly or the states and capitals of the country? Or do you relish hands-on activities, like gardening, tinkering about with tools, arts and crafts or sewing?

How often do parents really share about their best parenting moments with friends, doctors, relatives.  Strangely, the sharing is almost weighed over by the times they messed up.

Reversing this attitude helps. When a group of parents decided to tell a story of at least one time where they felt they did it all right especially if they relished that activity, they all realized, “Hey, I am not so bad after all”. Focus on the positive aspects of your parenting and you will gain an appreciation for yourself appreciation for yourself and all that you do.

3. What are your five best qualities as a person and how do you use them to enhance your relationship with your children?

Here is a short list of character traits that can help: honest, cheerful, independent, artistic, wise, athletic, spiritual, fun-loving, laid back, caring, spontaneous, thoughtful, practical, flamboyant, kind-hearted, brave, logical, calm, discreet, cooperative, brave, giving, punctual, friendly, warm, tactful, adventurous.

You want to cultivate your best qualities and find ways to connect with your children using those traits that you are most proud of. Children learn by observing the adults in their living spaces.

If you are a kind-hearted, compassionate person then empathizing with your child probably comes naturally to you and you can easily find ways to relate to your child. If you are independent minded, then teaching your children the life skills to stand on their own two feet, is something you will do naturally. A flamboyant and adventurous type Mom will teach her children to enjoy life and find joy in the unexpected.

4. What aspect of parenting overwhelms you?

Be honest with yourself. Get real with yourself, what your capabilities are and work with them.

Some Dads are more energetic than others. Mommies – if you have a low threshold for typical Mommy tasks, and find yourself often at your wit’s end, get help. Hire a care-giver maid or cleaning service. If that is not an option have a heart to heart talk with your spouse, or get your mother, mother-in-law or sister to pitch in.

Touchy feely parents might feel overextended because they do too much for their children. Talk to other moms (maybe older ones) or a counsellor to get tips on how to get your kids to help. Independent Moms, might hesitate in handling an overly sensitive child.  Mom’s who are emotional can return the favor and teach those Moms to better deal with the world of emotions. The adventurous Mom, might have a hard time with the schedule and strictures of parenting. You might want to use your imagination to do your chores in a fun original way.

Being realistic with yourself and acknowledging your weaknesses in a soft way allows you to expend your energy on finding creative and practical solutions to manage your limitations.

5. What do you do to recharge and relax?

Parents need time for themselves. It is a necessity. Mothers need to unwind and just be. The demands of family can leave one drained and cranky. Dads and working Moms need to unwind after a whole day at work.

Everyone has their own way of relaxing. Find your personal preference. Do you love going to the gym, or a spinning class, curling up with a good book, watching a serial, playing a board game or getting together with friends? You can also think about what you loved to do as a child and haven’t done in a while. If you swam – go swimming with your child; or of you played tennis – attend the tennis sessions.  In other words, take note of what relaxes you and try to fit it into your schedule as much as possible.

In the end, notice how nowhere in this article have these questions been posed:

• What does your best friend do as a parent that makes you feel inadequate?
• Why aren’t you trying to copy her? OR Why can’t you be like her as apparent?
• What gives you the most guilt? What makes you feel you are a failure?
• How did your mother parent and why haven’t you done everything you could to emulate her?

You are NOT these people and you should not try to be these people. To tap into your own, unique, individual personal strengths, the questions you need to ask are the ones that force you to turn inward and take a good deep look at yourself.

Your personal strengths are the things that you are naturally good at and give you energy and vitalize you. Using them will empower and enrich you with the best parenting strategies.

To increase your joy, contentment and pleasure in your children and your families, you need to cultivate and build upon our parenting strengths.  Very simply, the key to your happiness and ultimately to your children’s happiness is to find what you love about Mothering / Fathering and do more of it.

And hey! You are your child’s best parents! No one else can know your child better than you do. So Kudos to you parents – just keep Parenting Positive and make it a ‘team effort’, with mutually aligned decisions and strategies!